Mind Control: Let it go

The only thing that can control your mind is you.

Think about that sentence for a minute.  Close your eyes and say it again.  The only thing…that can control your mind…is you.

That’s a powerful truth, isn’t it?  But with that power comes a bit of fear.  You don’t have the luxury of blaming your bad day on events in your life or on other people.  It’s only you and your perception of these events and/or people that are causing you trouble.

Let me give you an example.  Your car breaks down on the side of the road.  You are late for an appointment.  Now you have to call AAA, figure out how to get your car to a repair shop and you to your appointment.  You are frustrated, angry, annoyed.  You call your boss frantically.  You try to explain that you know he/she is mad, but you can’t get there on time.  You feel guilty.  Think of the feelings you would have.  Think of how worked up you would be.  You are having a bad morning.  

Now take that same scenario and choose not to be any of those things.  Your car broke down.  Okay.  Good thing you had AAA.  You are happy you found a mechanic to fix your car.  You call your boss and calmly explain your situation.  Whether he/she is mad is of no concern, as there was nothing that you could have done to prevent your lateness that morning.  You apologize for the inconvenience this may have caused and move on.  In the grand scheme of things, this is just a morning with a few extra things to handle.  Even just reading the words of handling the situation appropriately, doesn’t it FEEL nicer?

Of course none of these events are ideal; however, you are allowing your perception of them to affect your emotions.  If you take the situations as they come, you deal with each one singly with  grace, calmness, humility, and indifference, they hold much less power.  We cannot control many of the events that unfold during our day, just as we cannot control the people around us.  Surrendering this control allows us to better handle our reactions.  

Controlling how we see the world takes a lot of practice.  It does not happen overnight and it’s something that you will need to practice every day for the rest of your life.  Things will get us out of whack sometimes and we need to just return to that place where we surrender external control in order to take internal control.  

I control the way I react to this and I choose to be at peace.

Another example is the ending of a marriage.  It would have been very easy for my ex and I to both harbor resentment, anger, and bitterness, as neither of us acted 100% perfectly in our marriage.  It would be easy to feel like a failure, to feel guilty and betrayed.  Don’t get me wrong, there were moments where I felt all these things and I am sure he did too.  However, we both chose not to dwell in those moments.  We controlled the way we thought, felt, and acted.  I chose to see our marriage ending as, not an end of anything, but a morphing into a different type of relationship and circumstance.  I saw it as a chance to co-parent as friends who still supported each other through life’s up and downs.  I focused on the two beautiful children we made together and the many years we spent growing up together.  The rest didn’t matter.  We didn’t have the same relationship, so the things that transpired during it that weren’t ideal were simply let go…they no longer held any weight in the relationship that we had now.  Let it go.  Don’t let it have control over you.  

The best thing about having this view is that our children saw how to handle one of life’s most difficult situations with grace, love, understanding, and mutual support.  Staying true to ourselves and our commitment to happiness in life, we could teach our children the importance of this virtue in their lives.  Let yourself be a teacher.  Handle each moment, especially the most difficult ones with calmness and good nature.  As the Chinese culture points out, the bamboo is strong because it’s so flexible.  Bend with the winds that are being blown at you and you will remain strong.  Be rigid or try to fight to hard and you will break.

How Did I End Up Here?

The great lyric from Nahko and Medicine for the People often brings me to reflect on what brought me to this moment, my “here and now”.  It would take a million books to encompass the vast array of events which lead to beginning this journey.  There were several journeys that I travelled which ultimately lead to this moment and my practice.  Like I have been known to say, “It isn’t a light switch…it’s a process”.  Throughout this process, I had a musically spiritually guide, which was Nahko and Medicine for the People.  I am forever grateful to them for their “musical medicine”.

I began seeing signs.  I viewed them as “strange coincidence” at first, but after the universe kept throwing them my direction, I was forced to sit back and reflect.  “Okay, what is going on here?”  So I followed them…not without a lot of questioning and self-doubt…not without trying to back out of this terrifying journey several times…not without extreme hardship.  There was something pulling me and it was too strong to ignore.  

Most often, there is a huge change or event which forces you to look inside and make other changes in your life.  The initial, most drastic change in my case was divorce, but can be anything in your life: a job change, a move, an accident or near-accident, etc.  I needed a change from my environment, my circumstances, and my current situation.  I didn’t know what would happen; I couldn’t control how it would play out; I felt like I had no idea what the hell I was doing.  It was terrifying!  And it didn’t come without great cost to those whom I love and myself.  It was not easy.

There was a lot of back and forth.  I wasn’t sure that I was making the “right” decision.  One day,  I was overcome by this internal knowing that I was leaving my marriage.  There was no giant fight, no crazy sign, I just knew.  After my separation, there was a lot of uncertainty.  Everything was different.  It took so much from me before making the final decision to leave that I didn’t think much further than the leaving part.  I didn’t know where to go from there.  The next few months consisted a lot of me trying to heal forcibly.  I did everything but allow the process to occur naturally.  

I always dabbled in mental and physical fitness, only ever really committing to running.  Throughout the process of coming to terms with my decision to leave my marriage, I went to some yoga classes, starting meditating some again, started to connect to crystals again, and was running fairly often.  After losing my marriage commitment, I lost commitment to pretty much everything.  I struggled to get myself together.  Some people speak of an “aha moment”.  I feel I had many, I just didn’t have the mental or physical strength to carry them out at that moment.  I pushed myself to get some routine together to get back into fitness.  I thought if I could just get back into running everyday, I would be fine.  If I just surrounded myself with people, I would be okay.  If I went to a yoga class every week, I would be more grounded.  If I immersed myself in work, I would be better.  It was causing more stress and it was exhausting.  That was not my intention at all.  In fact, it was the exact opposite of my intention.

Don’t get me wrong, getting out for a run, being around friends and family, going to yoga classes, and losing myself in work helped, but trying to commit my broken self to anything was not going to happen.  I was all over the place, trying to find my center and settle into the newness of being on my own.  I began playing guitar and singing again.  It was the first thing that I did with no agenda.  I sang what I wanted, when I wanted, and however long I wanted.  I had no restrictions or commitments to my guitar.  The freedom and ease allowed for my healing.  I played for hours at night, after the kids were in bed.  I needed to get it out in a way that focused only on my mind and emotions.  Such is the process.  You must head in a direction, hold onto your intention, however, allow the process to happen naturally.

One day, I woke up and said to myself, “I need to get on the yoga mat today.  I don’t care how, where, when, or with who, but it needs to happen.”  This was different than the other times when I had said that I needed to because I felt I should.  I had an internal knowing that the mat was where I felt I needed to be that day, so I followed that intuition.  This “internal knowing” was not the only one besides my decision to leave my marriage that I had felt.  In fact, they were coming more frequently now that I had opened myself up to the possibility that they meant something.  Or perhaps I was just listening more closely.  I was not reluctant at all to follow it and attended a great yoga class that day.  

I ended up doing yoga and/or running almost everyday since that day on the mat.  Initially, there was the process of integrating the things that I knew would help, yet didn't have the energy to commit to yet.  This process lead to my process of allowing yoga, meditation, running (my “moving meditation”), yoga philosophy, and holistic healing into my life.  It transformed my life.  Slowly…because it is a process, not a light switch.