Internalization of Experience

We all know that experience has a huge impact on you...the "good", the "bad", and the "indifferent" all have a molding affect on you and your next experiences.  Every experience shapes you, your outlook, your memories, your relationships, your path, your passions, your emotions.  But when you look deeper, you realize it isn't the experiences that are actually promoting these changes.  Your views, thoughts, labels, emotions, and responses DURING and IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING these experiences are what impact you the most.

These internal processes shape more than the external experiences ever can, for these internal processes will be forever linked to the experience unless we choose to change them.  The best part about this is that YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO ALTER YOUR EXPERIENCES.  So rather than saying, "I will surround myself with positive experiences," which oftentimes is beyond our control, you have the power to change your internal processes and create positive experiences from anything that comes your way.

As you begin to build memories of positive internal process during experiences, you have the control to evoke a positive change in your life forever, regardless of your external experiences.  Change your labels on past experiences from "bad" to "learning experience" and find the good in every step of your life's journey.  No time period in your life is "wasted time" or "regretful", because you lived those moments for a reason.  You learned from them, endured them to practice discomfort, met people you needed in your life, grew as a human, became the individual that you are today because of EVERY SINGLE STEP IN YOUR JOURNEY.  

Experiences happen...it is how you process them which gives them meaning.  So what meaning are you going to give them?  What power are you going to allow them?  Choose to give them the most positive meaning that you can fathom.  Choose to live each moment as if it is brought to you for purpose and assign that purpose in a positive way.  ONLY WHEN YOU CHANGE YOUR INTERNAL PROCESSES CAN YOU TRULY CHANGE YOUR SELF.  You must dig down to your core and expose your inner wisdom.  Expose the light inside that tells you there is more to life than the external.  

There is love.  There is learning.  There is positive growth.  There is change.

Mind Control: Let it go

The only thing that can control your mind is you.

Think about that sentence for a minute.  Close your eyes and say it again.  The only thing…that can control your mind…is you.

That’s a powerful truth, isn’t it?  But with that power comes a bit of fear.  You don’t have the luxury of blaming your bad day on events in your life or on other people.  It’s only you and your perception of these events and/or people that are causing you trouble.

Let me give you an example.  Your car breaks down on the side of the road.  You are late for an appointment.  Now you have to call AAA, figure out how to get your car to a repair shop and you to your appointment.  You are frustrated, angry, annoyed.  You call your boss frantically.  You try to explain that you know he/she is mad, but you can’t get there on time.  You feel guilty.  Think of the feelings you would have.  Think of how worked up you would be.  You are having a bad morning.  

Now take that same scenario and choose not to be any of those things.  Your car broke down.  Okay.  Good thing you had AAA.  You are happy you found a mechanic to fix your car.  You call your boss and calmly explain your situation.  Whether he/she is mad is of no concern, as there was nothing that you could have done to prevent your lateness that morning.  You apologize for the inconvenience this may have caused and move on.  In the grand scheme of things, this is just a morning with a few extra things to handle.  Even just reading the words of handling the situation appropriately, doesn’t it FEEL nicer?

Of course none of these events are ideal; however, you are allowing your perception of them to affect your emotions.  If you take the situations as they come, you deal with each one singly with  grace, calmness, humility, and indifference, they hold much less power.  We cannot control many of the events that unfold during our day, just as we cannot control the people around us.  Surrendering this control allows us to better handle our reactions.  

Controlling how we see the world takes a lot of practice.  It does not happen overnight and it’s something that you will need to practice every day for the rest of your life.  Things will get us out of whack sometimes and we need to just return to that place where we surrender external control in order to take internal control.  

I control the way I react to this and I choose to be at peace.

Another example is the ending of a marriage.  It would have been very easy for my ex and I to both harbor resentment, anger, and bitterness, as neither of us acted 100% perfectly in our marriage.  It would be easy to feel like a failure, to feel guilty and betrayed.  Don’t get me wrong, there were moments where I felt all these things and I am sure he did too.  However, we both chose not to dwell in those moments.  We controlled the way we thought, felt, and acted.  I chose to see our marriage ending as, not an end of anything, but a morphing into a different type of relationship and circumstance.  I saw it as a chance to co-parent as friends who still supported each other through life’s up and downs.  I focused on the two beautiful children we made together and the many years we spent growing up together.  The rest didn’t matter.  We didn’t have the same relationship, so the things that transpired during it that weren’t ideal were simply let go…they no longer held any weight in the relationship that we had now.  Let it go.  Don’t let it have control over you.  

The best thing about having this view is that our children saw how to handle one of life’s most difficult situations with grace, love, understanding, and mutual support.  Staying true to ourselves and our commitment to happiness in life, we could teach our children the importance of this virtue in their lives.  Let yourself be a teacher.  Handle each moment, especially the most difficult ones with calmness and good nature.  As the Chinese culture points out, the bamboo is strong because it’s so flexible.  Bend with the winds that are being blown at you and you will remain strong.  Be rigid or try to fight to hard and you will break.

Set Your Compass: Have a Direction

I think that the whole point (which I have been missing thus far) is to have a direction.  It seems like a simple point, yet I haven't internalized it the way which I needed to.  Maybe some of you haven't either.

Without a direction, we make decisions based upon the immediate need.  We end up recreating the path we are on with small improvements.  It's like planting flowers along the circular path we are already traveling.

With direction, we make decisions based on the larger picture.  We focus on what matters most and make decisions that bring us toward that space which aligns best with our true goals.  It's like taking a journey through straight and winding paths, knowing the end result will be a beautiful valley full of flowers.

It's easier to live life making quick decisions, the easiest decisions, the most rational decisions, the most logistically sound decisions.  The decisions that in the moment make the most sense to bring the best outcome to the immediate needs.

However, if you ever want to really grow and continue to mold your journey to the one that means the most to you, the best decisions you will make will be the ones that are the hardest to commit to initially.  For those are the decisions that will get your out of your comfort zone and promote the most positive change.  It may not be evident in the immediate future at the time of the decision and that's okay.

The question you need to ask yourself is, "Does this align with the direction that I want to move in?"  If the answer is no, than you need to rethink that decision.

Sometimes life changes drastically, but more often than not, your biggest life changes happen gradually.  This is how it is supposed to be.  You make small decisions that amount to a change.  Think of your life 5 years ago.  Ten years ago.  How different was it?  If you made all that change in one shot, it wouldn't be molded into your life as effectively as it has. Without the journey, marked with small decisions, that got you to where you are now, the change you see wouldn't be ingrained in you as it is now.

So what is your direction?  Think not of where exactly you want to be.  Think of what the journey looks like.  Think of what qualities in life that you assign value to.  Think of what you REALLY want from life and think deep.

Set your compass.  The universe will provide you the path.  You don't need to worry about that right now.  Just know what you want and who you want to be and make your decisions based on those internal desires and passions. You will be surprised what your life looks like five years from now.

How Did I End Up Here?

The great lyric from Nahko and Medicine for the People often brings me to reflect on what brought me to this moment, my “here and now”.  It would take a million books to encompass the vast array of events which lead to beginning this journey.  There were several journeys that I travelled which ultimately lead to this moment and my practice.  Like I have been known to say, “It isn’t a light switch…it’s a process”.  Throughout this process, I had a musically spiritually guide, which was Nahko and Medicine for the People.  I am forever grateful to them for their “musical medicine”.

I began seeing signs.  I viewed them as “strange coincidence” at first, but after the universe kept throwing them my direction, I was forced to sit back and reflect.  “Okay, what is going on here?”  So I followed them…not without a lot of questioning and self-doubt…not without trying to back out of this terrifying journey several times…not without extreme hardship.  There was something pulling me and it was too strong to ignore.  

Most often, there is a huge change or event which forces you to look inside and make other changes in your life.  The initial, most drastic change in my case was divorce, but can be anything in your life: a job change, a move, an accident or near-accident, etc.  I needed a change from my environment, my circumstances, and my current situation.  I didn’t know what would happen; I couldn’t control how it would play out; I felt like I had no idea what the hell I was doing.  It was terrifying!  And it didn’t come without great cost to those whom I love and myself.  It was not easy.

There was a lot of back and forth.  I wasn’t sure that I was making the “right” decision.  One day,  I was overcome by this internal knowing that I was leaving my marriage.  There was no giant fight, no crazy sign, I just knew.  After my separation, there was a lot of uncertainty.  Everything was different.  It took so much from me before making the final decision to leave that I didn’t think much further than the leaving part.  I didn’t know where to go from there.  The next few months consisted a lot of me trying to heal forcibly.  I did everything but allow the process to occur naturally.  

I always dabbled in mental and physical fitness, only ever really committing to running.  Throughout the process of coming to terms with my decision to leave my marriage, I went to some yoga classes, starting meditating some again, started to connect to crystals again, and was running fairly often.  After losing my marriage commitment, I lost commitment to pretty much everything.  I struggled to get myself together.  Some people speak of an “aha moment”.  I feel I had many, I just didn’t have the mental or physical strength to carry them out at that moment.  I pushed myself to get some routine together to get back into fitness.  I thought if I could just get back into running everyday, I would be fine.  If I just surrounded myself with people, I would be okay.  If I went to a yoga class every week, I would be more grounded.  If I immersed myself in work, I would be better.  It was causing more stress and it was exhausting.  That was not my intention at all.  In fact, it was the exact opposite of my intention.

Don’t get me wrong, getting out for a run, being around friends and family, going to yoga classes, and losing myself in work helped, but trying to commit my broken self to anything was not going to happen.  I was all over the place, trying to find my center and settle into the newness of being on my own.  I began playing guitar and singing again.  It was the first thing that I did with no agenda.  I sang what I wanted, when I wanted, and however long I wanted.  I had no restrictions or commitments to my guitar.  The freedom and ease allowed for my healing.  I played for hours at night, after the kids were in bed.  I needed to get it out in a way that focused only on my mind and emotions.  Such is the process.  You must head in a direction, hold onto your intention, however, allow the process to happen naturally.

One day, I woke up and said to myself, “I need to get on the yoga mat today.  I don’t care how, where, when, or with who, but it needs to happen.”  This was different than the other times when I had said that I needed to because I felt I should.  I had an internal knowing that the mat was where I felt I needed to be that day, so I followed that intuition.  This “internal knowing” was not the only one besides my decision to leave my marriage that I had felt.  In fact, they were coming more frequently now that I had opened myself up to the possibility that they meant something.  Or perhaps I was just listening more closely.  I was not reluctant at all to follow it and attended a great yoga class that day.  

I ended up doing yoga and/or running almost everyday since that day on the mat.  Initially, there was the process of integrating the things that I knew would help, yet didn't have the energy to commit to yet.  This process lead to my process of allowing yoga, meditation, running (my “moving meditation”), yoga philosophy, and holistic healing into my life.  It transformed my life.  Slowly…because it is a process, not a light switch.

Checkpoint of my Journey: Part Three

It is a continuation, isn't it?  Nothing ever really ends or begins; it changes and morphs into other things, all built upon the events, emotions, and time before.  There have been many changes in my life over the past year.  None "good" or "bad", some more stressful than others.  However, through many moons and many suns, many rainy days and many sun-filled ones, I have morphed into a more grounded, adaptable, spiritual being.  I have grown.  I have opened my heart more than I have in years and I have found that I will no longer stand for a life that doesn't encompass all that I am in spirit.

The unknown is scary and I have moments of self-doubt and skepticism.  Many, many years of searching for the most logistically sound, practical approach to life has left me with a sense of stability.  It has become habit to search for these things for comfort in my decisions; however, it has also left a space where I have suppressed the spirit and not allowed for a very important area of growth.

My blog was always called "The mind/body link"...I was leaving out an important part: The Spirit.  This aspect of my self that I have not fully connected to since I was in my 20s, before I started to have to "think like an adult in order to provide the best I could for my children".  Even just thinking it feels silly to me now, for the best thing I can give my incredibly spirited children is a mother who is sound in spirit herself.

So, hereon continues my journey.  Linking my mind/body AND spirit to live free, while still making sound judgement calls.  Trusting in the universe, destiny and the path to living as I am purposed.  Most importantly, having the strength and the faith to move forward on the paths that I feel pulled toward...opening my mind and my heart to hear and feel the messages that my intuition provides.  And to stop being such a wuss.  :)

My First Experience with a Holistic Healer: Polarity Massage

This is the thing about healers.  They can feel energy, know where to move it, help start you on the journey of self-healing outside their office, but they are usually not psychic.  This means that their interpretation depends on the amount of information about you and your life that you give them.  If they know nothing about you, they cannot interpret their findings as well as if you go to the same healer numerous times and allow them more into your world.  

The first holistic nurse that I went to did a polarity massage.  She stated the following findings:

1. I had gone very deep into my self.
2. I had a very open heart.
3. I had a black energy in my entire head.  Toward the end, there was a sliver of bright, white light.
4. My body was very receptive to her moving the energy.

She was concerned and asked if I had headaches (yes, often) and what was going on in my life.  My first thought was that I was going through a divorce.  So her interpretation was based off these things.  I must be allowing too much negativity in due to the divorce and I needed to ground myself to get through.  I should close myself off to receiving negative energies…protect myself.

However, what I didn’t tell her was that my divorce wasn’t really embodying a whole lot of negativity.  It was actually mostly cordial.  I also didn’t tell her that I had a history of dissociative coping mechanisms.  Because of this, I can pretty much turn my thinking brain completely off (unfortunately, I often “turn off” my emotional and spiritual bodies in the process).  I have begun to use it positively and it makes reaching a meditative state much easier for me.

If she had known this about me and had asked me if I was in a meditative state, which I most certainly was, she would have probably interpreted my black head, much less as a blackhead to be popped and more as a positive reading.  Bright, white light often indicates divinity, enlightenment and truth.  By the end of the massage, I was much deeper into the meditation and, although my thinking mind was off, it was accepting the things that it strives for.  

I was very excited about her findings after researching things on my own.  I saw it as a sign that I was learning to better control my dissociative tendencies.  I was happy that I was able to shut out the thoughts, while keeping my heart open and ready to receive.  I was really intrigued by the white light and was hoping to explore that even more.

My First Yoga Festival: MayFest 2015

I went to my first festival, MayFest Yoga and Music Festival, in May of 2015, with my boyfriend, Tom.  Our first day/night there was all music and vendors.  I felt introverted (a very rare experience for me), but I accepted it.  Through yoga, I have learned to accept the moods, like tides of the ocean.  There are benefits to all moods, as long as you use them with good intention.  That day, we explored the grounds with no real agenda.  We met our “tent neighbors”, who had a 2.5 year old named Marley.  There were very nice and Marley’s free-spirited engagement was a joy to watch.

That night, we watched some great musicians.  In between sets, Tom wanted to take some photos of some amazing hoola-hoopers.  I took the time to delve inside myself.  Although it was “off-limits” (oops), I walked the lakeside beach to a small pier.  I looked out onto the water for a while, noticing the vast contrast between the white moonlight’s reflection and the seemingly black water.  I then closed my eyes and meditated, coming to my center, focusing my intention.  

The next day, I woke up and sang softly to my guitar in my tent.  I was still feeling a bit introverted and I didn't want anyone to hear me.  A few minutes later, the two yogis in the tent next to us left their tent.  They stopped and thanked me for playing, saying it was a treat.  I was embarrassed, yet grateful that they shared their appreciation.  It was touching.  It made me wonder what I was so afraid of. The people here came for yoga, art, and music!  They didn’t come to judge my singing.  I’m sure that most of them were on their own journey, finding an appreciation for the more creative and inspiring things in life.  What better people could I surround myself with?

We had scheduled SUP Yoga for the morning, but it was really cold, so we skipped it.  We went to MC Yogi’s Beastie Yoga Class later, where DJ Drez played all Beastie Boys mixes, while MC Yogi lead the class and his wife, Amanda, assisted.  It was my first class that people who were really into yoga travelled to come to.  It was a bit intimidating, but once I got on my mat, I felt better.  Looking around, I saw the same people that I would go to any yoga studio and see.  There were people of all shapes, genders, ages, and skin types.  Somehow it felt more like a community, even though we were all displaced from our own community environment.  I was pleasantly surprised by how well they conducted class.  It was lighthearted, funny at times, fun, and inspirational.  It encompassed everything I loved about yoga.

We came back to the tent before our next class.  I noticed on my way into our tent that Marley was protesting a nap in our neighbor’s tent.  Upon entering our tent, I saw the guitar and thought about how quickly my daughter falls asleep when I play.  I would play one song and hope I was helping and not disturbing.  I sung loud and with the regular emotion I feel when I sing.  I sang like I do in my living room.  Tom sang with me, which I love.  I really enjoy sharing music.  Later, Marley’s dad was holding him outside the tent.  Without me saying anything about my intention to play, he told me that he enjoyed our playing/singing and that it put Marley right to sleep.  Imagine that.  Abandon fear and you can do anything…even put a two-year-old to sleep who is fighting nap time.

Our next class started with chanting.  I had never chanted anything more than “Om” and once “Om, Shanti, Shanti, Shanti”.  I had definitely never had a chanting experience like this.  It was beautiful music, hearing everyone sing Sanskrit words together.  The meanings explained to us before to let us feel what we were chanting.  What followed was a yoga class that moved quicker than what I was used to.  The instructor was teaching us to move into the poses on each inhale and each exhale.  It made me dizzy, literally.  I expressed my problem with moving too quickly in yoga moves with Tom.  He pointed out that I have a similar issue with moving too quickly in life, but that sometimes life doesn’t offer us the luxury of waiting around while we analyze, evaluate each decision’s consequences, and make an educated deduction.  Sometimes, we just need to breathe through the changes and flow with them.  I need practice in this.  I was thinking that practicing a quicker Vinyasa Flow will help me to make the connection to being better with a similar issue in life.  

We got something to eat and were buzzing about the Nahko and Medicine for the People (MFTP) show later.  We couldn’t wait, wondered if they arrived yet, if we would get a chance to talk to them, etc.  We decided to get massages: I got a polarity massage, Tom got a Reiki massage, and MC Yogi was right in the middle of us getting a Thai massage (which I thought was pretty cool).  After the massages, we sat on the top of the hill, while MC Yogi sat with his friends at the bottom of the hill.  A little while later, we noticed him talking to Chase, the guitarist from MFTP. 

We were star-struck.  Should we talk to him?  No, we didn’t want to interrupt.  Should we?  I mean, we could keep it short and just tell him how much their music affected us.  No, it would be awkward.  We ended up walking down toward the food carts as Chase did.  He said hi to Tom, noticing his MFTP shirt.  We walked away and we talked about how that was our opening!  I bee-lined it back and said, “I’m sorry to bother you, but we just wanted to tell you how much your music has changed our lives.”  What followed was a great conversation and a few hugs.  We met his friend, Geary, who we ended up having several conversations with that night.  They were both so appreciative of our sentiments and such great people.

After charging all our modern technology, we ended up with a drained car battery.  As we tried to turn it on, only to hear the awful clicking of an engine that won’t turn over, we hear from a car behind us our rescuer, Nate.  He jumped our car and after a funny story, a photo to prove to his girlfriend that he was making friends, we ended up walking to the main stage together, all very excited about the Nahko and Medicine for the People show later.  On our way, who do we see?  Nahko Bear.  

Talk about star-struck.  Wow.  This man was a prophet in our eyes.  His words and his music fostered such a change in both of us and in our lives.  We had to stop and talk to him.  Courageous from our positive meeting with Chase, we stopped him and told him how his music and words were our guide through an incredibly emotionally confusing time in our lives.  He stared into my eyes when I spoke.  He listened.  Intently.  He was so gracious and understanding and we took a photo to remember the experience.  I sometimes look at the photo and still marvel that this experience happened.  It was perfection.  Serendipitous.  We cried.  We were washed over with closure.  We were grateful that we were able to personally meet and thank Nahko himself.

We saw Nahko and Medicine for the People play just a few short hours later.  Of course, we stood right up in front.  We were excited and engaged…surrounded by the music that had become a guiding force in our life in the live version.  It was an amazing experience.  After the show, we went to the food carts and met Justin, the drummer in the band.  Is this for real?  The universe provided us the opportunity to meet practically everyone in the band and thank them.  Absolutely amazing.

The next day, reflecting on everything that happened the day before seemed like we were reflecting on a dream that we had over the night.  But it happened because we followed our hearts and made the choice to attend a festival in a place we had never been to and “check it out”.

Live life.  Check things out.  Go places.  You will be surprised at the things that the universe will throw your way.

Checkpoint of my Journey: Part Two

In the past few years, I've been pregnant twice. I carried one baby to 18 weeks and the next to full term. I was on bed rest for half of the second pregnancy. Needless to say, my running self and my emotional self have taken quite a hit in the past few years. As soon as I was able to begin running again, I did, but I was inconsistent and my diet is awful. I signed up for and re-ran the first race I ever ran (The Fool's Run, in Manasquan, NJ). It was almost exactly five years later. So much had happened in that five years, it was interesting to reflect on it during the race. I was happy to still have running as a part of my life, as haphazard as it had been lately.

I thought signing up for a half marathon would increase the consistency of my running. It helped a bit, but the race itself was cancelled due to the government shutdown. Instead of running my 5th half marathon, I didn't even run that day. I ran up to 12.5 for my training, so I still feel pretty accomplished so soon after having a baby. There is something missing in my life though. I feel like I have lost a part of myself. I am not the person that I was and I miss me. I feel overwhelmed and stressed, rather than taking things in stride; I feel ashamed of my body, rather than feeling its power; I feel listless, rather than passionate. In losing running, I have lost myself. In choosing not to care about my health, I have lost my healthy mind.

My first running journey started with something so simple, but it changed me. My cousin showed me her metals, plaques, and certificates from her races. We talked about it and I said, "I can do this." She said, "Yes, of course you can!" I signed up for and ran my first race within two weeks. I had only been running for 10 days.
My "Part Two" starts just as innocently. I was looking back on old pictures and I looked so healthy and happy. Simply, I do not appear or feel that way now. I text a friend that I see a decline from 2010 to now and that I was upset with my life. I MAY have text stronger words, but for the sake of the kids...haha. She text back "What makes you happy?" I begrudgingly said "nothing" as I was staring my run. "What will make you happy?" And then I thought...and ran...and thought...and I finished my run and felt better. That is what makes me happy.

THE CIRCLE OF HEALTH or THE CIRCLE OF HELL????
The way I look mirrors the way I feel, because when I run, I am happy, and when I am happy, I eat well. It is the Circle of Health. Lately, I have been in the complete opposite circle. The Circle of Hell? I have been feeling like hell, so I've been eating like hell, and I neglect my running, which makes me feel even more like hell. I'm done with it and grabbed some motivation from this realization. I am feeling ready to start back on the journey of instilling fitness, running, and health back in my everyday life. I'm ready to embrace it passionately again and put in the effort, knowing the pay off it reverberates in me. My brain needs its outlet. I need to get out of the Circle of Hell.

I haven't gotten the passion for running back yet and I know that it will be hard to jump into the Circle of Health. I know what it takes and I know the payoff.
-I need to surround myself with like-minded people.
-I need to put my shoes on even when I don't want to.
-I need to make this a priority.
-I need to make a good choice, when the bad choice is so much easier.
-I need to BELIEVE in the payoff...always. Because when the journey gets tough, but you believe in the payoff, you are more inclined to go the extra mile (no pun intended). The immediate gratification of a piece of cake seems silly next to piece of mind, doesn't it???

Tech Junkie or Old School Freedom?

My cousin and I have the same running mentality: Love the Run. Period. Just love it. In all other aspects of running, however, we are completely different. She runs first thing in the morning; I am a lunch break or after work runner. She qualified and ran Boston; I am still trying to break a 2 hour half marathon. She wins trophies in regular races; I hunt for small races and hope there are only 3 girls in my age group, so I can win something (it happens sometimes). Lastly, my cousin is all "shoes and go," while I fumble with my Garmin Forerunner.

What is it that I like about the technology? I like to visualize my runs in new ways. I love to see my elevation gain/loss, my exact distance, where I sped through and where I slacked off, and I love to see progress. I started out running years ago with an elaborate spreadsheet on Microsoft Excel; I tell you this was an Obsessive Compulsive runner's dream. I had a beautiful background, formulas inserted, charts and graphs galore! It was great, but then I heard about the Nike+. I had to have it, so I did. I wore it bouncing in a shoe wallet on top of my Brooks, but it served me well for some time. I got involved in the online community, challenged myself and set goals.

I heard about the Garmin Forerunner and I was smitten, yet financially, it wasn't really an option. I then stumbled into a little bit of extra money and treated myself to the watch of my dreams. I love to see my runs pop up on a map, whether I run in Connecticut, New Jersey, or even California, I can relive the experience in the detailed data wirelessly thrust onto my computer. The best part is that I do with it what I want. I don't have to obsess over times or distances. I just enjoy seeing my efforts in a ridiculously organized and detailed summary. What my cousin sees as hindering the freedom of running, I see as my motivation or at least a little added something to my daily run.

How about you? Tech Junkie or Old School?

Becoming a Better Me

It's funny to me when I'm at work and people say to me, "You didn't run today, did you?" Is it THAT obvious? You may think that it would be insulting, someone essentially saying to me, "Wow! You're moody!" But the funniest part about this conceivable slam is that the person tossing the line is almost always right!

I am a happy person, aren't I? With running I am. Take away my runs and I adopt an alter-personality. I am more affected by others, their problems, my problems, issues happening around me, and regular daily stress. I am quicker to anger and annoyance. Without running, I am not me.

As a teenager and young adult, I was a mess. Having my son and finding running were the two things in life that grounded me. I became me...the me I was before puberty set in. I let things ride; I take it easy; I laugh and love. I live my life with a smile.

So what is it that changes my brain to alter my personality? The easy answer is endorphins, serotonin, dopamine...things I talk about in previous blogs. I think that these play a major role in a neuro-chemical change that occurs. But there is something else; perhaps a more cognitive approach.

I think another big part of the mind-altering affects of running has a lot to do with consistently challenging your mind and breaking through. How many times during a run do you think of slowing or stopping? But you stick to your pace. You keep trodding up an ominous looking hill. After you are running for a while, you realize that you can do more than you ever imagined. You use this mindset each time you tie those laces; you tell yourself to stop the negativity and just run! And you carry that positive mentality on to the rest of your life and you know that you can face problems, make it work, deal with the stress of life. You know you will make it to the top of the hill and triumph. Practicing the patience, perseverance, planning, positivity, and persistance it takes to remain a runner day after day makes you revert to it much easier throughout the rest of your daily life. Running can change your life.

Stress Reliever

There are times where I feel completely frazzled, unable to concentrate, easily irritated, and stressed out. I am one of the many people who's emotions are written all over her face; I see no need to hide myself. Most someone will ask me if I am okay, if something happened, if I am hungry. Those who see me often enough and know me well enough usually ask, "Were you not able to get a run in?" or "Do you need a run?"

Activities like running, among other healthful things that I have mentioned in previous posts (like increasing mood-altering Serotonin), burn up stress chemicals, like adrenaline, which gives a calming sensation (The Better Health Channel, 2008). So does running calm me or does not running stress me? Is it a play of cycles? All I know is that if I don't run for two days in a row, that third day, I am not myself. I turn into a short-tempered, pessimistic, stress-case. So, the easy option is to just continue running...for life.

Happy running all!

Reference:
The Better Health Channel. (2008). Depression and Exercise. State of Victoria.

Training Reflection

Getting ready for the marathon...Ran a 13.25 today in 2 hours. I am feeling really great in my training. I have ten weeks to go and I feel strong, focused, uninjured, am running more than what is scheduled...still getting in some good rest. I feel really good. It makes me realize...I really CAN do this! It's kind of weird. I don't know how else to say it. It feels weird...I feel like the impossible is possible. Also of note: Cousie ran a marathon in Cali today. She not only qualified for Boston, but won 3rd place in her age group!!!! She is amazing! I'm so proud of her! <3 <3 <3

The Runner Camaraderie

When I started running, I knew one person that ran regularly. After a few years, I had many friends that run. Some I have made because we became running partners first. Through the many hours on the road, chatting it up, we became close friends. Other runners that I know were aquaintances or old friends before I began running; I just never knew they were runners. After I became hooked on running, it's as if there was a whole newfound camaraderie with us, as if we had this "inside knowledge" about something that noone else knew: running is fun!
I soon learned something else; talking to non-runners about running is difficult and often not worth the effort. No matter what, it was as if they just could not understand or maybe didn't care enough to try. Running is like no other topic in these regards. It feels as if there is a deep understanding among others in the sport, whether they are fast or slow, run short races or long. A runner who is truly committed is a runner who is truly committed, no matter how they engage in the sport.

Maybe we are a little crazy; that sure is the way that the non-runner can make us feel sometimes. Any minor ache that we recite aloud to the non-runner, especially a sedentary person, is a perfect reason for us to stop running to them and, rest assured, they will tell you immediately and ask you to join them for beer, nachos and a couch. Soon the runner learns to only talk about our minor (or sometimes major) aches and pains to other runners, because they are the only ones who understand. Other runners are the only ones that we can trust to give us an honest response of whether or not we really need to rest a nagging ache or pain. This is how the camaraderie stays so strong. Other runners (and sometimes other athletes, mostly in other endurance sports) are the only ones who can understand the need to continue by whatever means necessary to get the feeling of release, of freedom, of power, etc. that we get from running. Runners know that the ultimate goal is to be able to continue to run now, but also to continue to run forever.

Runners are a rare breed...and I am honored to be one of them.
Happy running : )

Random Psych Related Thought

I was listening to KT Tundstall and she says, "My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talking." It made me think:

There is a life-long relationship between the "heart" (emotions) and the mind (rational thinking). When people ask, "Which should I listen to?" I believe that it is never as black and white as one would hope. Any relationship takes comprimise, based entirely on the situation at hand, how strong the convictions are of the parties involved, and what seemingly will satisfy both parties as much as possible. Such is the delicacy of the skill required to balance the "heart" and the mind in an attempt to maintain a healthy sense of self.

The trickiest part of this particular relationship is that there is no escape, as many people seem to be utilizing as a solution much more in recent times. The "heart" and mind are inseperable, part of the same entitely, consistenly struggling to maintain order, harmony and peace, while impacting the self. It seems like much of life consists of this very same principle; do whatever possible to maintain the highest possible level of order, harmony, and peace. It is when incongruency occurs when either the mind, the soul, the body, or the "heart" springs into almost instant action in an attempt to return life back to its harmonious state.

It's all about balance and comprimise.
KJ

Made to Run

I have read that running (especially distance running) may be "natural" to humans because of the tie to our primal hunting technique of hunting faster animals over long distances at an even pace until they tired enough to kill them. Also, I have heard of sprinting as possibly inciting the fight or flight response. So, is the tie to a genetic predisposition for certain techniques "in the wild" the reason that some of us love running so much? Is it satisfying some instinctual desire?

What are your thoughts?

KJ

Runners are Smarter

I know that I can say without hesitation that I think more clearly and quickly on the days which I exercise. My memory is more efficient, my thoughts come easier and I feel I can comprehend more easily after I run. I have always attributed it to mostly a better mood and less stress, almost a clearing out of my mental clouding, but perhaps it is more.

I just came across an article, which I thought may be of interest to this blog. It is written by T. A. Sloan from the Discovery Health channel, who has come across some material suggesting that exercise stimulates not only new connections in the brain, but possibly new cell growth. The new growth is found in areas of cognition, learning and memory. The brain growth is attributed to the increased micro blood vessels and oxygen in the brain, which occurs during exercise and promotes neurogenesis. These things along with endorphins are attributed to a more alert state and better memory retention far after exercise is ceased. Also, it is pretty well known that interaction with the environment is key to promoting new brain connections. (Sloan, 2009) While running, there is much about the environment and how we are experience it which is registered by the brain. This may have an affect on the growth as well.

An experiment in 1998 showed that mice who were exposed to environmental stimuli grew brain cells. A wheel was introduced and the mice were allowed to run as long and fast as they wanted, whenever they wanted. Those mice who participated in the activity grew TWICE as many cells as the mice who did not run. Now, it is probably a combination of the two, running and stimuli, which cause this astounding cell growth, possibly due to the increased oxygen and blood vessels which accompany running. (Sloan, 2009) The combination creates a "win-win" so to speak, as your brain is now more efficiently RECEIVING the information that is being introduced.

Has anyone noticed a feeling of easier thinking, remembering or learning since beginning to run/exercise?? Have you ever noticed that the conversation flows so effortlessly, honestly, and deeply while you exercise with a friend?? Have you noticed increased "epiphonies" while exercising??

What are your thoughts?

KJ

Reference:
Sloan, T.A. (2009). Mind-Body Exercise Connection. Retrieved August 6, 2009, from http://health.discovery.com/centers/diet-fitness/mind-body-exercise-connection.html.

Mental Endurance/Positive Self-Talk

I was thinking about running the other day, while I was running, of course : ) I ran through a tough section in my run, relying almost entirely on positive self-talk. I have done this plenty of times, as I'm sure all the runners (and endurance athletes) reading this have as well. After accomplishing my goal and finding my run going much easier all of a sudden, I began thinking about how much of running is psychological. So much of running is pushing through the negative and twisting it into a positive. This must be why runners generally tend to be pretty good at combating negativity in other areas of life...they have trained for it.

So much of running is "all in your head". In the beginning, your mind is just getting used to this constant pitter pat of your feet on the pavement. You are essentially teaching your mind that you can run. Yes, of course, much of running is conditioning, getting out there, and training your heart, muscles, and lungs to pump harder and longer; however, I'll bet that if all runners who have been in the game for a bit look back, they will all realize that it is usually (especially in the beginning) your MIND that stops you from running before your body. You practically talk yourself into giving up...until you learn how to do the exact opposite.

You are on a five-mile run. It's gorgeous outside, but a little warm. You are upbeat and fall into a good rhythm almost immediately. Seemingly, all of a sudden, you fatigue and begin to get negative. Your thoughts sound a bit like this: "I want to stop. I need to rest. Am I overheating? Is this a gradual hill that I didn't notice? What's going on?! Maybe I should have eaten something/more. I don't have the energy for this. I should just stop for a few minutes and have some water to regroup. I need to walk right now." Most beginners would stop here; most seasoned runners, however, know that this is just a part of the process...I'm not saying that a seasoned runner NEVER gives in, but it takes much, much more.

The seasoned runner immediately attempts to "nip it in the bud" and thinks, "First off, be quiet you! You are NOT stopping. I will slow my pace and find that rhythm I had before pretty soon. I'm fine! I've got this! I've been worse off than this and pushed through...this is nothing! I'm gonna flip to that power song now and jam it out...tear this pavement UP! Whew! Let it go! Look around, love the process. I'm almost there! This will pass soon, just stick with it."

And you know what...it almost always DOES pass. Even bettter than passing, usually the "other side" is so much "greener" than before the negativity tried to seep in. Now you appreciated that rhythm just a little bit more, you notice how pretty this particular stretch of road is; you love that power song just a little bit more; you love the run just a little bit more.

Most often, your mind will try and tell you to stop running, because it is used to giving up when the going gets tough (I know mine used to be and I still fall for it sometimes), but let me tell you...the more you DON'T give into that negative self-talk, the less often it will bother trying to stop you.

And this is why runners (and other endurance athletes) seem so well adjusted in other areas of life. Not only do they have those happy little neurotransmitters circling around in healthy doses up in their noggins, as I have talked about in previous blogs, but they have TRAINED their minds to deal with stress in a positive way. When the going gets tough, it doesn't really seem so bad anymore; it's nothing that can't be run right through.

"I just ran (so and so) miles the other day in that heat; I'm sure I can stick out this one hour meeting with my dumb boss." Your mind won't instantly want to flee anymore...it's trained to run right through it to the other side.

When the negative self-talk begins, "I'm not prepared enough. He's never liked me. He's going to make this as painful as possible. Maybe I'm getting fired," a runner's mind knows how to handle this line of negativity, because it trained for combating negative self-talk every single difficult run (and difficult is absolutely subjective to the individual and to circumstance). A runner's mind just instantly jumps back to, "You're fine! You've GOT this! You've been worse off than this...this is nothing! Let it go! Look around, love the process! You're almost there! You know this will pass, just stick with it!"

Mental conditioning like this is cognitive therapy at its bst. It's all about taking CONTROL of your thoughts. They are in YOUR head and YOU have every right to control what is said. You don't have to be a runner to practice this, although endurance sports require a lot of practice with mental conditioning. Next time that you are wallowing in the downward spiral of negative self-talk, try to switch it to a more positive stream of thinking. It will feel completely unnatural at first, like you are "lying to yourself"; however, I assure you, as you practice speaking nicely to yourself, you will feel more deserving of the positive self-talk.

Negative self-talk breeds a negative self-concept. A negative self-concept fosters negative self-talk. It's the downward spiral I was speaking of. YOU have to take control of your mind and thoughts. YOUR mind is YOU talking to YOU...speak nicely...don't you have enough things spewing negativity at you?? Be your own positive fallback...your own refuge, because you have your mind and your body; when your body starts going, what are you going to have left: a negative mess pot or a clean stream of positivity??

Depression and Running

I've been asked about depression and running a lot lately. I want to say that I believe that depression symptoms can be drastically reduced, if not relieved, through endurance sports, like running.

I wanted to put a post on here that I just wrote to someone asking a similar question in a forum on the nike+ website.

As a psychology graduate and a runner, I can definitively tell you that running absolutely helps mood disorders, including depression. The medication that you are probably taking is an SSRI (serotonin reuptake inhibitor). SSRIs increase the levels of serotonin, a neurotransmitter which controls mood, helping depression. Serotonin levels are also raised through exercise, mostly endurance sports. Exercise also increases the neurotransmitter, dopamine, which helps to regulate arousal, so your energy level will most likely be increased. Also, endorphins are released through endurance sports, like running, which is a neurotransmitter which helps your mind deal with pain and is often called the brain's "natural morphine". This gives the sensation that many call "the runner's high", which I am happy to say has FINALLY be clinically proven to exist (although runners knew this for a LONG time).

I am not suggesting that you stop your medication in any way; in fact, the running will actually help the medication to have more serotonin in your brain to circulate around, enhancing its affects. With that in mind, I will tell you this as well: I used to have depression and I have not needed medication for a while, because I learned to control it. I believe that exercise was a big part of being able to do so. Not all cases of depression are "curable", but it is possible and you are on the right track! Keep taking that medication and talk to your doctor if you ever feel that you may be able to reduce the amount you are taking.

After a "Bad Race": The need to enjoy the process

So. Where do I start? I trained like crazy, and then messed myself up by trying some new inserts, which through my body all out of wack. I felt good in the beginning. I felt I was running well. Then I don't know what happened. I got all worked up. I was nervous that I wasn't going fast enough. I was disappointed in myself for not being able to push harder. I was really hurting the last four miles or so of the race and DRAGGING myself the last two miles. My cousin really helped keep my spirits up enough to get to the finish line and into the sound to "ice". I was disappointed in my race...even though I made a PR. I really felt I could have done better if I had paid more attention to my body during training.

I had a bad race experience and now I need to choose how to react to that. I need to change my focus.

New Focus:
Enjoy the process
Run free, yet focused
Love the run
Run to relieve stress, not create it

"When life gets hard, YOU have to change!" -Shannon Hoon, Blind Melon, Change
In the beginning, I remember thinking "I can DO this!"...that's the main sentence that comes to mind when I think of the first week or two of running. I thought of it as a freedom, as something that I could do for myself, as a way to regain a part of me that had been missing for a long time (the althlete in me), I could do it outside and I didn't need to go to the sweaty, smelly gym. I wanted to lose a few pounds, but it wasn't the main focus (which may have been why it actually MADE me lose weight). I wanted to be one of those girls that I would see running and think to myself, "I wish I could do that. I wish that I liked running. I wish that I had a sport that I was passionate about." Runners always looked so free, yet focused to me; I wanted that feeling.

What have I already obtained from running that I refuse to let go??
Fitness and a love for it. I am not letting go of that. I also have an outlet that I love. I ENJOY "working out". I don't want to lose that either. I have a new respect for myself that I have followed through with something. I also love the racing atmosphere and running with other like-minded people, since most of my friends don't run. It's nice to be around people who don't want to just sit around at a bar all weekend and talk about the TV shows that they can't miss...and sit around all week watching...so they can go to the bar and sit around talking about them. What kind of life is that?

What do I want to get out of/accomplish through running??
I want to be a lifetime runner. I don't want to have to stop running ever. That means taking care of my body and probably starting to cross-train more often. I would also like to eventually complete a marathon. I want it to continue to make me feel free, yet focused.

What is a good run for me??
My favorite runs are long and at a good pace. I like not having to worry about pace and enjoy looking around. The distance makes me feel like I accomplished something and the pace/looking around makes me feel like I am free: I am free, yet focused.

What is a good race to me??
I have most enjoyed the races that were at a distance that I wasn't sure I reach. During those, I didn't worry about the pace, just getting to the finish line. I enjoyed the process, not just as a means to the finish line, but as a progression...as fun and heart. When I am going for time, I feel proud after, but I hate the run. There were a few times that I was proud of and they occurred when I wasn't going for time...and I enjoyed the ride. Why am I out there? To break some time barrier by adding training runs that I hate, and then having a race that I hate the run, but like the time at the end? What am I trying to prove?? A good race to me is one where I enjoyed the ride and am satisfied with my final time. One where I know that I put all of me into the race and had a blast while doing it.

What do I like the most about running??
The freedom and the scenery (I am mentally noting that these both have a lot to do with NOT making a particular time goal, while having much more to do with taking the time to look around) I also really like the release I feel afterward. I also love the respect I have for myself, which a regular workout routine always seems to give. I love the sense of community you feel with other runners, since running seems to really be something that only other runners can fully understand.

What do I like the most about racing??
I like the atmosphere. Everyone is out there because they have some level of committment to running and fitness in general. Racing makes running, which is most often a solo act, a behavior, or worse, "a workout", a SPORT that is shared with others. I like seeing the faces of others who have just done something that they didn't know they could do. I like the frontliners, the middle of the pack and the back of the line...I just like the ones who have pushed themselves to that finish line with all the heart they could muster...whatever the goal. I like the supportive attitudes that everyone has in each other completing his/her own personal goals.

What don't I like about running currently??
I'm hurting my body right now. Things are going really wrong. I'm not enjoying my runs where I worry about time and I actually do better when I don't think about it. I don't like the need I have to go fast to "prove" something...I feel like I need to prove that I'm a runner. Does completing in a certain time do that? No. It's as if I feel that to show that I run a lot, that I am committed to running, I need to be a fast runner. None of that works into my long term goals for running or the reasons why I started or continue to run. Who exactly am I trying to "prove" this to? It's not me, so I'm stopping immediately. I don't have to prove anything to anyone, except myself

How do I fix that??
Take a week off to heal (blah). Stop running for time. Start adding in some biking and swimming. Get good shoes. Listen to my Cousie and "love the run"............enjoy the process. After some fun running, schedule a fun race to do (not for time at all) to stay focused...invite some friends along : ) Good times.

What don't I like about racing currently?? How do I fix that??
Stop stressing out!! This is to relieve stress, not create it!! Go out there and "love the run" (as Cousie says). Run comfortably hard and do the best that I can do on that particular day, on that particular course, and let the run relax me, not stress me.

Thoughts of the hour:
Enjoy the process
Run free, yet focused
Love the run
Run to relieve stress, not create it

You need to try something to see if it works for you. I tried running for time and I have found that it is not for me...and THAT'S OKAY!

Freeing and Cleansing

I was supposed to do a 5 mile easy with Crystal, but it was raining, so she bailed. I decided to go a different direction (right out of my street instead of left) and run for about 45 minutes wherever I happened to end up.

I really enjoyed the freedom of going where I felt like it and my run turned into a 6.4 mile easy-ish. It was really the best way to start out this training: reminding me why I started running in the first place...for THIS feeling...just running.

The weather was rainy as hell, really heavy at times, but it wasn't really cold. It actually felt great to have the rain water dripping down my face. It was cleansing...It made me feel strong, like Rocky. Like nothing could stop me...not even the crappy weather. I looked around, I ran at an even and comfortable pace...I felt the runner's rhythm.

I came home drenched, as if I had stood in the shower for five minutes with all my clothes on...I don't think there was a spot of me that wasn't soaked...but I was giggling at myself and in good spirits. I want to make sure to include these type of runs in my training in order to not be boggled down by the schedule.

I need to have these runs to remind me that running is what I choose for it to be in my life. It is the one thing of which I have all the control...it is for ME and only me. It is my release, my joy, a source of power and serenity. I will only make my goals, if I can keep this in my mind throughout training. Push it hard, but remember what you love about running and take the time to enjoy that once in a while.

Happy running : )